Mood: Tense
Food highlight: Reheated frozen fish fillet
Drink highlight: Wild berry redbull
Listening to: Diet pepsi Ben Platt cover
I don't really think my life is that interesting to write about. But blogs as a concept have been very fascinating to me and I figured I have the opportunity to give it a go now. Mostly because I believe that this will be a good outlet for me. I mean journaling has been proven to be uhh... therapeutic?
I think it's sometimes hard for me to recognize that I do in fact have a lot of feelings about things. Strong one's y'know? For a long time I have been just been kind of going through the motions, not thinking a lot and definitely not self reflecting on those thoughts or the hard to grasp shapeless blobs behind those thoughts that cause my brain to hurt and make me numb. But I kind of just have to roll over and keep going even though the closest way to describe this is akin radiation poisoning. It is invisible and ingraspable and unfathomable but it damages you. Or slowly kills you I guess. And I mean physically, my body has degraded due to it. I'm way too young to rely on medication because my digestive system no longer wants to be normal nor my bladder. What's gonna happen to me when I'm 40? Realistically I'll be dead way before that for reasons uncountable. Wow my keyboard is dirty I need to sort that out.
Anyways, yeah feelings. The radiation thing I like to consider stress. But that is sort of one thing while the issue is broad. I'm putting in effort to recognize my feelings about things and define them in a way that makes sense. But I think until I drag them out to the surface by force they will stay as this buried blob. This already sounds like dumb made up bullshit. Like don't I have anything else to do besides ponder fee-fees? But I want to be pleasant on this blog so I'll kind of try to keep my usual "sailor-esque" vocabulary out of it. I will also allow myself to be cringe on this because that is the whole point of personal sites, it's your own zone, your rules!
I moved to the capital 2 days ago for my first semester of multimedia design in college. I know I'll come back in like a couple of days to visit and I'll visit often. But it's like, this is it. I'm not living at home anymore. I'm here. If I think too hard about it I'll cry. Because It's a big change, and I'm deathly afraid of changes. This feels like a reality check, that my childhood is over. That this endless state of my old reality has shifted beyond repair. It's a reality check that that comfortable bubble has popped and I crossed a major threshold, a few more thresholds like this and I'll die and everything behind me will be gone. I think one of the feelings that I push back is this horrible fear of losing things. Things slipping through my fingers. Small things feel like big things and gradual steps feel like giant leaps. If I allow it, regular events will feel like the end of the world.
I usually just want to say that I feel like shit. Objectively, vaguelly, shitty. I feel like shit about many things. Vague or specific things. The collapse of society, impending doom, every single facet of the world being corrupt in some way. Or more personal things which I can't risk confessing without serious consequence, from family or the law. I see shit everywhere, Stan Marsh style. The world now is so overwhelming on so many levels that I prefer to just say I'm a misanthrope and go on with my day. Not think about the world or the state of my life past tomorrow.
There is a certain line that my mind can't cross without shattering so I prefer to not think at all. To think only about the little things. I cocoon myself in my fantasies and fictional worlds, fictional people with fictional lives, all which I can control.