Mood: Guilty (Wow.)
Food highlight: Rice with veggies and egg
Drink highlight: Rev up classic
Listening to: The Mario Cliche by Bear Ghost
Well...I wanted to make a blog entry about a month ago. So what happened? Basically the same thing that happened when I was a kid and started a "journal" (diary), to record my day to day life and have something to remember because I struggled with memories.
And of course I forgot to write into it.
And I realize nothing in these years has really changed. I still somehow reach a roadblock everytime I have to talk about events in my life. I start feeling like so much has happened and I have so much to say that suddenly I get overwhelmed and have no clue where to start. Then I put it off for another day. But another day more stuff happens, and my pile of stuff I feel obligated to talk about grows to unfathomable levels.
So now I feel like perhaps I didn't fully grasp what the point of a blog even is. Am I obligated to talk about myself like that? Do I owe people funny storytime youtuber esque adventures? Or heartfelt deep recollections and emotional vulnerability? Do I skip all that and only talk about technical things and write tutorials? Or niche interests? Fixation Infodumps?
I don't know. And that is a reason why I haven't responded to my old highschool psychologist's text message asking me how I've been. For over a month.
I mean. What do I say? What am I expected to say? What am I allowed to say? Do I say "I have been doing well I'm so happy in college and I love my coursemates and my lectures and some of my freedom!" which is true. Or do I confess that "Everytime I go home or am left alone with my thoughts I go insane and believe I have even less time to live than before" which is also true. Saying the first part feels dishonest, but including the second feels like I'm forcing her into more sympathizing which she is no longer obligated to do and, man, I don't know why she texted me.
The only way I can keep living like this is by understanding that it's not that deep and no one cares that much. Which is an ouch but a good ouch I guess. But this also means that either I start taking this blog less seriously or the blog perishes. Not everything about my life needs to be talked about and not everything has to be deep or somehow enriching. Sometimes it can just be. I'm texting her back tonight.
What I learned today: You don't have to do all that.